You'll Get Your Quilt

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter
what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom
asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

Received from Larry.

At Peace in the Playpen

Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids. She
complained to her best friend Judy, "They're driving me
nuts! They give me no rest! I'm half way to the funny farm!"

"What you need," said Judy, "is a playpen."

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, Judy called to
ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen
with a good book and a chocolate bar, and the kids don't
bother me for hours!"

Received from Ed.

Bible Story

James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out
of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to
salt."

Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Received from Chris Keniston.

Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated
with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
use the bathroom.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you
never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you
will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you
are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting
someone you know increases dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the
people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last,
and they are the ones who will leave their seats several
times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end
of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will
last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced
jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you
don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit,
they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers
no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon
as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.

Received from Harry Geedy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I find number 18 to be completely true. It happens to me all the time, especially as relates to clothes.

Centipede

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told
the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg
bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar
for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would
you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him
a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time
putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's
place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first
time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Received from Sandy.

Buying a Cow

A farmer had been taken advantage of several times by the
local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the
farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced his cow as follows:

* Basic cow........................... $499.95
* Shipping and handling................. 35.75
* Extra stomach......................... 79.25
* Two-tone exterior.................... 142.10
* Produce storage compartment.......... 126.50
* Heavy-duty straw chopper............. 189.60
* Four-spigot/high-output drain system. 149.20
* Automatic fly swatter................. 88.50
* Genuine cowhide upholstery........... 179.90
* Deluxe dual horns..................... 59.25
* Automatic fertilizer attachment...... 339.40
* 4 x 4 traction drive assembly........ 884.16
* Pre-delivery wash and comb............ 69.80
* FARMER SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:........ 2843.36
* Additional dealer adjustments:....... 300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Canaries

A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner
said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just
think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe
yet."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Lottery Winner

I saw an interview on TV with an old farmer who won ten
million dollars in the lottery.

Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that
money.

He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right
off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Sadly in the world today this is true for a lot of farmers.

Priceless

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

I couldn't resist putting this one in!

Guard-ening

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have
decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is
the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
replied in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not
touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his
wife: "You won't believe what happened. Some men came with
shovels to the house and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the
best time to plant the vegetables."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

Birthday Banner

more animals

Ok, so it's not my birthday today, but someone out there in this big, wide world we live in is having a birthday today. So whoever you are 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY'; this banner is for you!

Bank Name

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something
"practical" for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother
suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at
the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name
of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put
down "Piggy."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Joke of the Day

In light of the current credit crisis, what is the difference between a broker and a pidgeon?

The pidgeon can still make a deposit on a BMW!

Excuses, Excuses!

more animals

Strange places to get a drink

more animals

Kitty-in-a-box

Kitteh aerobix!

moar funny pictures

The Escalator

I found this on Ken Davis' blog. Thanks Ken. It's great.